What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
