the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
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Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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