I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
