so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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