...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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