forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my phone needs a breathalizer
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We had sex on a dog bed..
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
A+ Viking dick
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
