At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
