Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
