Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
