There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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