I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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