I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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