were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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