So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night