You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
