dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
