He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
