I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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