Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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