It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
