I wish you could order shots online.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
