I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
