Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
