i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
