so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
