I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
