I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
