I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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