if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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