before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
