My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
