The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
