Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
