Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
