He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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