There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
