i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
