I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
