sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
