96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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