If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
