im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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