Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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