So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
