overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
