4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So. Much. Porn.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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