6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
