i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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