he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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