The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
