Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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