Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
