home. puking in laundry basket.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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