my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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