So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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