What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
