My Higher Power is John Stamos
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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