I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
